Posted on Friday, September 22, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
This is a guest post from my friend, Dana Tuttle. She has recently read Lysa TerKeurst’s Uninvited and Lydia Brownback’s Finding God in My Loneliness side by side. As we were discussing the differences, I asked her to write a review for Housewife Theologian comparing the two.
 
For most of my experience as a Christian, I have sat in church alone as a single woman, as a married woman, and even as a mother. I do not feel lonely as I go about my daily routine in any of these seasons in my life until that moment when I join my fellow believers in church. Don't get me wrong, I have been actively involved in several ministries and enjoy being apart of the weekly services, but the prick of loneliness is there, nonetheless. 
 
I look around and see several families sharing in the experience of worship together. I thought that would change when I got married, but it did not. I realize when I am there that I struggle with loneliness and that I long to share this with my own family. I see and talk to other women who share my same struggle and I know that I am not alone in my spiritual loneliness at church.
 
I asked Aimee Byrd if anyone has written about loneliness and if she could direct me to a book that would be helpful on this topic. She immediately recommended Finding God in Your Loneliness, by Lydia Brownback. However, during our talk, which also consisted of coffee, laugher, interruptions, and eclectic topics, I quickly forgot her recommendation.
 
Around the same time, my church was starting a book club, and they had chosen Uninvited, by Lysa TerKeurst to read. At first, I thought it was the book that Aimee had recommended since the book was about loneliness. I spoke with her again to refresh my memory on what she had recommended and Uninvited was not it. I didn't want to pass up an opportunity to get to know the ladies in my church, so I decided to read both at the same time and compare the two. 
 
I generally like to read several books on the same topic and was excited to take on the task of reading both books at the same time. TerKeurst is a popular female Christian author and president of Proverbs 31 ministries. As a New York Times #1 Bestseller, her book was easy to find, standing out on the bestseller shelf even at Target. Brownback is also a female Christian author and speaker, however her book was a little more difficult to find. With both books in my hand, I was eager to see what these two ladies had to say about the topic. For me, I was specifically looking for guidance with spiritual loneliness within my marriage and as I attend weekly church services. 
 
 
I don't feel uninvited, unloved, less than, or even left out, but I do feel lonely when it comes to attending church without my family. Going into TerKeurst's book, I was hopeful that it would touch on the situation I was facing. Within the 250 pages, I thought that there would be at least a chapter for me to glean from. 
 
The chapter titles were confusing as I searched for a straightforward statement that mentioned loneliness in marriage or church. Instead, I found chapters about "the lady at the gym who hates me" (the title of Chapter 3). TerKeurst points out that  "there are misalignments embedded in our soul" (3) and that we have a "broken identity" (12). I know enough basic doctrine to know that we are more than just misaligned and our identities aren't the only thing that is broken. I felt as though she was not treating her reading audience as mature thinking, Christian women. This concern was solidified on page 120 where she calls us "Jesus girls." Yes, she does get around to using the word sin, but she never gets around to discussing the deep issues in which people may feel lonely. TerKeurst keeps it safe and stays on the surface talking about the lady who ignored her or the lady who is thinner than she is. These were really the examples she was giving in every chapter. She shared an over emphasis on her poor body image and never mentions the body of Christ---the church, his bride. Instead, I was directed several times to her issue with cellulite. In Chapter 9, she discusses rejection and compares her experience to Hannah's barrenness. Only TerKeurst's struggle was about the lady who got the writing job instead of her, calling her "thigh gap girl."    
 
TerKeurst’s chapters and stories were cluttered and I had a difficult time navigating through her book. She has some false teaching as well when she encourages us to "be prepared to hear new things from the Lord" (112) and to "seek your own divine revelation" through prayer and journaling  (177). Just when I was about to give up hope she did share the gospel, point me to Christ and encouraged me to read God's word. For that I am thankful. I wish she would have invited her readers to believe the gospel and that sin plays a large part in why they are feeling "less than, left out and lonely."
 
 
In contrast, Brownback's book was clear and organized. Each chapter was important and led into the next one. Brownback starts right off with a true definition of why we are lonely in the introduction. "Loneliness is an indicator that something is missing, and that something is found only in Jesus Christ." Just 14 pages in and I have hope! I was able to go straight to the chapter titled "The Loneliness of Marriage," where she had great advice and application. She reminds us, "to view  [your husband] as a surrogate savior is to intensify our loneliness" (130). Instead, she encourages us to "lean into our heavenly Bridegroom" and "we will find what no earthly husband could ever give us" (131). 
 
In her carefully thought out chapters, Brownback addressed real issues that cause loneliness like relocating, singleness, and grief from a death or a divorce. I felt like she was writing to an audience of mature thinking Christians and I felt respected. Her book contained enriching vocabulary and intelligent thoughts. I was convicted and encouraged to repent as she touched on the sins that we may lean toward to fill in the gap of loneliness. I was pointed to Christ in every single chapter. Right from the beginning of the book, I was given hope and a remedy for my loneliness. She didn't wait until the final chapter to fill us up with the good news. Brownback used many examples of people in scripture as examples of those who struggled with loneliness, while spurring me on towards my heavenly Groom and his kingdom!  
 
I am not sure if Lydia Brownback has cellulite or a thigh gap, but I do know that Christ is the answer to her loneliness and being in the body of believers, even though it may feel lonely at times, is the remedy.
 
 
You can listen to an MoS interview with Lydia Brownback on her book here: Is One the Loneliest Number?
 
Dana Tuttle is a housewife theologian who is obsessed with headless queens. She is a wife and the mother of 11-year-old twin boys. She daydreams about owning a pub, but is happy with her role as the crazy theme mom and scrapbooking fool. Dana is an over-achiever in Book Review Club, and can often be found hiding in her closet reading books written by dead theologians while eating the latest leftover holiday candy.
Posted on Thursday, September 21, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
Every Christian should be well acquainted with Psalm 110. I could give you way more than four reasons. As a matter of fact, Psalm 110 will help us in perseverance. Hebrews 10:23 exhorts us to persevere in the Christian faith telling us this: “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” Doesn’t it seem strange that holding fast to a confession is key to perseverance? Building up to this verse, the writer to the Hebrews packs in a lot of theology. When studying this verse within its context of Hebrews for my book Theological Fitness, I discovered that new scholarship suggests Hebrews is a sermon letter based off of Psalm 110. I found that fascinating. Psalm 110 gives us the confession of our hope. It may be my favorite piece of Scripture. I want you to love it as much as I do, so here are some reasons why every Christian should study it.
 
Study Psalm 110…
 
 
If you want to hear God speak
 
The Christian bestsellers list shows us how badly we want to hear God speak. Isn’t that the success of Jesus Calling? We want to hear from God---today. And so Christian bookstores are full of bestselling books telling us about special words from our Lord to the authors, and how we can hear him too (or at least through them). This is what many well-intentioned believers think they need to persevere in the Christian life. But what we really need is to hold fast to our confession of hope.
 
Why don’t we let God tell us our confession of hope? This is not a mere message for one person today, but something that applies to every single one of us in every single situation. Psalm 110 begins with an amazing revelation, “The LORD said…” Here is our special word from the Lord. In his commentary on Psalm 110, Puritan Edward Reynolds elaborates, 
 
The "word of God" in Scriptures signifies his blessing, power, pleasure, ordination. "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God," Matt. iv. 4. That is, by that command which the creatures have received from God to nourish by, that benediction and sanctification which maketh every creature of God good unto us, 1 Tim. iv.5. God’s saying is ever doing something; his words are operative, and carry an unction and authority along with them. (An Explication of the Hundred and Tenth Psalm, 5.)
 
And so we see this blessing and ordination again in Scripture in Matt. 3:17,  “and behold, a voice from heaven said, ‘This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.’” None of us can speak with that kind of authority. Study Psalm 110 to hear what the Lord says.
 
 
If you want to know God’s will
 
What do you cling to when your faith is challenged? Your friends, your church attendance, your family, your quiet time, your emotions or psychological health? A prayer that you prayed? These are times in our lives when we really want to know God’s will. Psalm 110 delivers again. Here we see the covenant of redemption, God’s eternal plan, and the appointment of Christ to his office. In these poetic words we see Christ’s Kingdom, his church, his enemies, his humiliation, his exaltation, and triumph.  
 
And we see this seemingly insignificant word that is like an X-marks-the-spot on the map for us: Until→ You are here. 
 
We see where Christ is now and what he’s doing. That until can be hard to bear sometimes but in Psalm 110 we have the comfort of knowing, “He shall gather a church, and he shall confound his enemies, because for that end he hath finished and broken through all the sufferings with he was to drink of, and has lifted up his head again” (Explication, 4.).
 
 
If you want to know what all the NT writers were talking about
 
Psalm 110 is the most quoted Psalm in the New Testament. We have direct quotes in Matt. 22:44, Mk. 12:36, Luke 20: 42-43, Acts 2: 33-34, and Heb. 1:13. We have indirect references to it, saying “It is written,” in Matt. 26:64; Luke 22:69; 1 Cor. 15:25; and Heb. 5:6, 7:17, 21. Compare. Mark 14:62; 16:19; Ephesians 1:20; Colossians 3:1; Hebrews 1:3; 5:6; 8:1; 10:12, 13; 12:2; 1 Peter 3:22 to Psalm 110 and you will see how heavily the writers in Scripture relied on God’s words there and how he built upon them. And heck, maybe Hebrews really is a sermon-letter based on the text of Psalm 110.
 
Why? Don’t you think this must be an important Psalm worth our study?
 
 
If you want a creed as solid as David’s
 
“For this psalm is one of the clearest and most compendious prophesies of the prophecies and person and offices of Christ in the whole Old Testament, and so full of fundamental truth, that I shall not shun to call it David’s creed.” (Explication, 2.) 
 
There you have it. In seven verses, we have David’s creed, David’s confession of hope---one that we too can hold fast to. As a matter of fact, Reynolds pulls 14 confessions out of these 7 verses: the doctrine of the Trinity, the incarnation of Christ, the sufferings of Christ, Christ’s completed work and resurrection, ascension and intercession, a holy catholic church and communion of the saints, the last judgment and day of his wrath, the remission of sins, resurrection of the body, and life everlasting.
 
I was honored to teach a Sunday school class on those 14 confessions from David’s creed. You may ask, why would the writer to the Hebrews exhort us to persevere in the Christian life of faith and obedience by holding onto a confession? Christianity is a historical faith that has content. There are certain elements to our confession that would devastate our faith if they were not true. As Paul demonstrates in 1 Cor. 15, “If the dead are not raised, ‘Let us eat and drink for tomorrow we die’” (33). Hope is not the same as wishful thinking; it is built on truth. Jesus is Lord in his person and in his work. That is something that we can hold fast to. And he indeed holds fast to us as our anchor, interceding on our behalf as he is seated at the right hand of the Father.
 
Psalm 110:
 
The LORD says to my Lord:
“Sit at my right hand, 
until I make your enemies your footstool.”
 
The LORD sends forth from Zion
your mighty scepter.
Rule in the midst of your enemies!
Your people will offer themselves freely
on the day of your power, 
in holy garments;
from the womb of the morning,
the dew of your youth will be yours.
The LORD has sworn
and will not change his mind
“You are a priest forever
in the order of Melchizedek.”
 
The LORD is at your right hand;
he will shatter kings on the day of his wrath.
He will execute judgment among the nations,
filling them with corpses;
he will shatter chiefs
over the wide earth.
He will drink from the brook by the way;
therefore he will lift up his head.
Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
I see that CBMW has a new document named the Nashville Statement, calling the church to faithful witness to God’s purposes for human sexuality. I share their concerns for speaking out against the damage and pain caused by the sexual revolution. I share their zeal for promoting holiness and to make known the good news of redemption in Christ available to all. But as I read the 14 articles, I had some serious questions still unanswered. The impact from the Trinity debate, of which CBMW was of central concern, and the teachings on masculinity and femininity that have been taught from their website, at their conferences, and by their most well-known leaders, still hasn’t been dealt with.
 
One year ago, Denny Burk became the new president of CBMW and wrote a post denying CBMW’s connection with the unorthodox teaching of ESS (Eternal Subordination of the Son). He promoted a “big tent” complementarianism that included differing views of the Trinity. I wrote an article then, hoping to get actual retractions of the harmful CBMW teaching about the Trinity and troubling teaching on manhood and womanhood. It was called What Denny Burk Could Do. I ended with this:
 
I would love to see CBMW clean house and actually be the leaders they write about sometimes, I really would. But I am not going to accept a veneer of concern without real change. At this point it appears that all the proponents of ESS will still be people of influence there. No one from CBMW has made a statement retracting the teaching on ESS/ERAS/EFS, rather they continue even in Strachan's resignation announcement to promote his book that teaches it. They continue to assure us that it is orthodox. And none of Ware or Grudem's writings on it have been retracted either. They are all leaders there still. Nor has there been any explanation or apology for the Sanctified Testosterone teaching or Soap Bubble Submission (although that particular post has disappeared). Nothing. All of that teaching needs to be retracted, with apologies at this point, for CBMW to have any credit in my book. Denny Burk could lead the way in doing that.
 
Before that, I made a plea to CBMW, asking them to take a firm stance on the Trinity. Here we are a year later with a new statement from CBMW, signed by many of the proponents of ESS/ERAS/EFS, and those who formerly supported this teaching but have now backed away from it. Looking back a year later, I would have loved to see CBMW lead the way in retracting the unorthodox, harmful teaching from their own movement and leaders. I would have loved to see some apologies for leading people in such error and for calling some of us names who pointed it out. I would have loved to see men and women invited to sign off on orthodox teaching that doesn't reduce men and women to stereotypes. But this was not the case. And now we have this new statement, which makes me ask more questions:
 
What do they mean by “divinely ordained differences between male and female” in Article 4? I agree with the words themselves. But CBMW hasn’t retracted their teaching on eternal subordination of women by God’s design. Just last year, sessions from their conference “The Beauty of Complementarity” connected ESS/EFS to complementarianism in an ontological context of authority and submission. Just last year they promoted the release of Owen Strachen and Gavin Peacock’s book, The Grand Design, which taught this very connection (and is endorsed by others also signing the Nashville Statement). 
 
And if this is not the case, then I have to wonder why include CBMW proponents of ESS who used this teaching in conjunction with masculinity and femininity such as Wayne Grudem, Bruce Ware, and Owen Strachen, as signatories?  I looks to me like this is still the accepted teaching. How else should I read it?
 
CBMW also hasn’t retracted any of the hyper-authoritarian, hyper-machismo teaching about manhood and their hyper-submissive and stereotypical teaching about womanhood. Instead, I have seen much more of the same by some of their popular leaders. So once again, I wonder if this is what applies to their “divinely ordained differences”?
 
Are these divinely ordained differences ultimately expressed in sex and marriage and authority and submission? The statement says nothing about friendship. God didn't design the two sexes only for marriage. What about how we were designed for the new heavens and the new earth? Where's the brother/sister language? This is an important part of our sexuality that carries over into our eternal bodies when we will not marry. The church needs to speak more into how we were created for communion with the Triune God and with one another in platonic---intimate but non-erotic---relationships. This too is a faithful witness against the sexual revolution and for promoting one another’s holiness. And a great hope for those who suffer with same sex attraction.
 
There are people whom I have much respect for who have signed this Nashville Statement. I am not trying to bash anyone or insinuate that everyone who signed or was involved in writing this has some sort of ESS agenda. But I am concerned that so much has been overlooked. CBMW wants to be our leading voice in what they call biblical manhood and womanhood. A year ago, I was hoping CBMW would lead the way and make things right. Now, I just see rebranding. You can’t pretend that there were no problems with your whole movement and then continue to try and lead the way with a new statement. If you continue to teach harmful stereotypes and promote unorthodox teachers that are not in line with Nicene Trinitarian doctrine, you can’t be a trusted name for me no matter how many good signatures you get. Thankfully, I belong to a confessional church that already has statements to which I subscribe.
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
 
Rahab is such a fascinating person in history. Her part in helping the Israelite spies scouting out Jericho was full of bravery, discernment, and faith. We later see Rahab’s name, we’re talking about a Gentile women---ex-prostitute---here, in Matthew’s genealogy of Jesus. Sure, there’s a whole list of sinners saved by grace in that genealogy. But genealogies in ancient Mediterranean society were patrilineal, tracing the offspring through the fathers. Rahab isn’t the only woman listed in this genealogy. I’ve already written about how she represents God’s openness of his covenant community to the Gentiles---a Canaanite who openly professed her faith in the God of Israel, and was then welcome to become a member of God’s household. 
 
But there’s something in Rahab’s heroine story that was pivotal for the spies’ escape, the takeover of the land, and her own salvation---she lied. Her lie was a result of her faith in these men being from God, her belief that he was going to give them the land, and her own desire to be a part of that as well. Now, if we look at the genealogy of Jesus, we see that it is full of redeemed sinners. I mean, David was an adulterer and a murderer; surely Rahab can be forgiven for a lie that saved God’s people. But I always stub my toe on this lie because it is told as if it were part of her faithful act. At least we have David’s repentance recorded so beautifully for us in Scripture. But there’s no hint of sorrow over this lie. It’s practically celebrated. Clearly Rahab’s faith was strong enough to take this risk of hiding the spies and lying to authorities. So, why wasn’t it strong enough to tell the truth and trust God? I happen to think lying is pretty serious. I mean, Satan is called the father of lies. So what do we do with Rahab’s lie that led to the birth of our Savior and a foreshadowing of his blessing to all nations?
 
Over the summer, I was doing some research on ancient siblingship. The central relational priority in Patrilineal Kinship Groups (PKG) was sibling solidarity. Honesty within the family was a vital aspect of familial duty. But this also was an aspect that revealed allegiance when it came down to family honor and loyalty. Joseph Hellerman discusses this in his book The Ancient Church as Family:
 
The fascinating issue of truth and lying in PKG culture represents and expression of PKG solidarity that is quite foreign to most Westerners. Much evidence suggests that, as the family related to outsiders, preservation of honor was a value held in higher esteem than truth telling in situations in which one or the other had to be compromised…
 
…One may lie to outsiders, if necessary, in order to preserve family honor, but one must tell the truth to members of the PKG. (45-46)
 
This made me think of Rahab’s lie in a more virtuous way. The fact that she lied to fellow Canaanites to preserve Israelites reveals a change of allegiance. But it wasn’t merely another race that she was aligning with; it was a family. Her solidarity with the Israelites was in a sense a sibling solidarity. The lie itself made a statement about familial duty. What’s fascinating about this is that her status as a prostitute is also changed. Her whole identity is changed. In fact, she was living a lie before and she has finally found the truth! Much later, the early church builds on this idea of sibling solidarity in God's household. And there she is, listed in the gospels in the family of Jesus.
 
I still stub my toe over it some. But this sibling solidarity thing really helped shed light on Rahab’s lie.
Posted on Monday, July 03, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
Way back in my early twenties, I used to volunteer at CareNet Pregnancy Center. They trained some of us to give abstinence presentations to high school youth. There were many true and helpful points in these presentations and I felt good about helping teens understand spiritual, emotional, and physical consequences in their decisions. And as evangelical churches around me were also speaking out more to teens about abstinence, I was happy that the church was finally talking more about the consequences of sex. But now, almost 20 years later, I am rethinking how Christians teach abstinence as purity. 
 
Of course, it is not pure behavior to participate in premarital and extramarital sex. But we are missing out on learning the beauty of purity by reducing it to saying no to sexual activity outside of the bounds of marriage. And by reducing our teaching this way, I think that we have reduced our brothers and sisters in Christ to threats to our purity and have also inadvertently enticed lust by hedging their behavior with more and more laws to stay pure---sealed with with the ring that advertises it.
 
John doesn’t tell us to hold back our love, but to love our brothers and sisters with a holy love:
 
Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. (1 John 4:11—12)
 
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because he first loved us. (1 John 4:18—19)
 
And we have this command from him: The one who loves God must also love his brother and sister. (1 John 4:21)
 
He tells us to look to our ultimate hope, which is to be transformed into the likeness of Christ, even though we can’t fully grasp what that will be. And this great hope is not merely wishful thinking---it is purifying:
 
See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason, the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see him just as he is. And everyone who has this hope fixed on him purifies himself, just as he is pure. (1 John 3:1—3)
 
Because we are children of God, and our hope is in full glorification and Christlikeness, we are called to purify ourselves. What does that mean? We cannot do this ourselves. We need Christ, who is our purity. But what does that mean? Purity is too often thought of as something that we lose, and so it is thought of as something to guard through abstinence. But we don’t purify ourselves through abstinence. We purify ourselves by having our hope fixed on Jesus Christ; “For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen” (Rom. 11:36). In their book, God So Loved He Gave, Kelly Kapic and Justin Borger build off of this verse in discussing the paradox of how Christians live under God’s divine generosity as we belong to God:
 
God’s ownership is much more dynamic than we might expect. While we often associate the idea of “ownership” with locks and keys, safe deposit boxes, bank accounts, and home security systems, God’s ownership is fundamentally different. Unlike us, God doesn’t own by keeping, but by giving…
 
Since God did not create to satisfy an inadequacy or need of his own, but out of the fullness of his delight and love, this delight and love flow to the creatures as generosity and back to God as thanksgiving and praise. Creation reflects and therefore shares in---or “beholds”---God’s great glory. Our good has by his hand become a means of God’s ultimate glory, intrinsically connected (cf. Ezek. 36:22-27).
 
The nature of this connection is a key to a healthy view of God and ourselves. As God’s giving does not impoverish but enriches him, so we, as we offer back to God the gifts he has given and sanctified in us, are enriched in his glory and are satisfied in and through him. (24-25)
 
We can certainly apply this dynamic nature of God’s generosity to our purity. Our purity is from God. Think of all that purity entails. It is not merely abstinence from premarital sex. We must not reduce it to what we withhold. Purity involves our hearts, our thoughts, proper active love, integrity, and holiness. Purity is body, mind, and soul cleanliness, which is not mixed with sin in any of these areas. Can anyone uphold this in herself? Himself?  No! But God graciously gave us his Son. Jesus Christ’s full righteousness is imputed to every believer. So from him, we are given everything that purity entails. Everything! And it is through him that we remain pure. He didn’t just pay for our impurity and give us his purity; he has given us himself! Paul makes this argument when discussing purity:
 
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Cor. 6:19-20)
 
We have been given the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, tabernacling with us. Now that is holiness and purity! While affirming God’s ownership, he is telling us that God has given us himself. Talk about divine generosity! He then concludes that we are to glorify God in our bodies. So our purity is from God, through God, and we respond by offering it back to God. Purity isn’t merely abstaining from sexual activity; it is offering our whole selves back to the Giver.  This positive response of gratitude and worship is where we find our greatest satisfaction and joy. We will not find our ultimate satisfaction in sex. But that is the lie that many believe when they participate in entertaining lustful thoughts, inappropriate behaviors, and especially in carrying it all the way through to the act of premarital or extramarital sex. Temptations to sin in this way must be confessed and offered to God. That too is an act of faith in offering ourselves to the One who sustains us. 
 
This is also important for married people to understand. Often, abstinence teaching within the church gives a false promise that is still focused on a man-centered gratification that really has nothing to do with our purity. It goes something like this: If you maintain your virginity until marriage, you will be blessed with wonderful sex and a happily ever after relationship. Purity is treated as some sort of commodity for ultimate blessing. Don’t be fooled: this is the prosperity gospel. God’s holy standard exists only to reward you for your great victory in following the “name it claim it” formula. But even sex within marriage is not going to satisfy us. And it certainly isn’t our purity. 
 
Many disillusioned Christians who tried to “do it the right way” have fallen hard when they didn’t get the rapturous blessing they thought they had earned. Our purity is from God, through God, and to God. Understanding that the Lord has truly been victorious, that he can sustain us in our weaknesses and give us his own power to love him and to hate sin, that we can share in his love to his people with godly affection which is appropriate for our different relationships, and that all of our affections are going to be returned to him in fullness of glory is satisfying. He wants to give us true pleasure that is to be found in blessed communion with the Triune God and his people. When we know and experience this, we do not put false expectations on others, even our spouses. And we look at our brothers and sisters with the eyes of faith.
 
True love rightly orders it's affections. But please don't put that on a ring.
 
Posted on Monday, June 19, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
I've received a handful of emails regarding the latest MoS episode on Maddi Runkles, the pregnant teenager who could not walk with her fellow graduates at Heritage Christian Academy. They were pretty much divided in half between those who agreed with the school's decision and those who did not. This thoughtful reply by a listener got to the heart of a matter about whether a school administration, even a Christian school, has the same authority that church government does in handling personal sin. I am posting it with permission of the the sender, Lori Seaman:
 
I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed the conversation about the Christian school shaming the pregnant teen. One thing it got me thinking about was the unique role of the church, and what happens when other institutions try to take on that role. Christian schools can and do play a very good, important role in the formation of Christian children, but they are not churches. I'm not sure, once they created a code of conduct that did not just address academic- or school-related issues, but personal sin. 
 
There are things that are not sin that schools can reasonably prohibit and punish. It is not inherently sinful for a boyfriend and girlfriend to kiss, but a school can have a policy against PDAs, and give a detention to students seen kissing in the hallway. A pastor, on the other hand, would be (as least as far as I can tell!) wildly out of line if he were to discipline a serious boyfriend and girlfriend for not waiting until their wedding day to have their first kiss. Failing a class is not a sin, but a school can deny graduation to a student who fails. Whereas, I'd say, a church can discipline a member for sex outside of marriage, but a school should not. 
 
A school, even a Christian school, has no real mechanism for dealing with sin, nor is it their role to do so. If they have a code of conduct with that includes both not having premarital sex and not plagiarizing, then they are in a bind. If a student plagiarizes or cheats, are they now bound to allow that student to walk at graduation if they repent? But if they won't allow that, then they are also in a position where extending grace to the pregnant teen but not the plagiarizer would seem unfair. A church can embrace and forgive and be again in full communion with both the repentant pregnant teen and the repentant plagiarizer, because dealing with sin is the job of the church. Dealing with sin is not the job of the school, and they cannot do it well.
 
Anyway, great show, and I think the school really could not have come up with a good answer once they decided that they should have student's private sexual behavior (behavior that did not take place on school grounds or at school events) in the code of conduct. It doesn't belong there, because even Christian schools are not there to discipline and forgive sinners. That's the church's job. I'm not sure, once they created a code of conduct that did not just address academic- or school-related issues, but personal sin, they could have responded well.
Posted on Saturday, June 03, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
The MoS team just finished a prerecording discussing Heritage Christian School’s handling of the teenage pregnancy of Maddi Runkles, a senior with a 4.0 grade point average and the now former president of the student council. It will air on June 14th. Maddi, along with the rest of the students at Heritage, signed a contractual pledge that she would abstain from premarital sex, drugs, and alcohol. So the pregnancy reveals that not only did Maddi sin by having premarital sex, she also broke her pledge to the school. 
 
Runkles is repentant for her sin. She is a young woman who professes Christian faith and is active in her church. She asked her school board for forgiveness when she confessed her sin and revealed her pregnancy. One understandable way the school reacted to the news of her pregnancy was by stripping away all of her leadership positions. Being that this is a Christian school with high moral standards, I can see how a moral failure like this would disqualify her for a time from leadership in the high school. But the further actions of the school seem beyond the scope of how to treat a repentant young woman who is taking responsibility for her actions. She was not allowed to be on the school campus at all during her pregnancy. This means that she could not even attend her brother’s games, she would have to complete the rest of her class work at home, and although she would receive her diploma, she could not walk with her classmates at the graduation ceremony. She has, however, after confessing her sin to the whole student body and asking for forgiveness in great humility, regained the right to attend her classes and I think attend her brother’s sports events as well. But she still cannot walk with her classmates at the graduation ceremony. 
 
We discuss all of this on the podcast, so I’m not going to go into all those details here. But there was one thing that we brought up during the podcast that I would like to continue to discuss, and that is this contractual pledge that the students sign. This is nothing exclusive to Heritage. Many Christian schools require students to sign such a pledge. On one hand, it makes sense to want to have an official way to distinguish a Christian school and show that they are serious about moral behavior. Many parents send their children to Christian schools because they expect them to uphold Christian morality. Of course none of us want our children to be engaged in premarital sex or in the use of drugs or alcohol. It’s good to see that school administration actively promotes making good decisions.
 
However, I’ve never been comfortable with these kinds of school contractual pledges, and this recent news of how it was enforced with Maddi Runkles made me want to question the function and effectiveness of them. I’m all for a school promoting purity. But these pledges, and the way they are enforced, go beyond what a healthy church even requires from its new members. In the OPC, we do take vows to join the church, which are solemn promises. Here they are:
 
Vows of Church Membership
1) Do you believe the Bible, consisting of the Old and New Testaments, to be the Word of God, and its doctrine of salvation to be the perfect and only true doctrine of salvation?
2) Do you believe in one living and true God, in whom eternally there are three distinct persons – God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit – who are the same in being and equal in power and glory, and that Jesus Christ is God the Son, come in the flesh?
3) Do you confess that because of your sinfulness you abhor and humble yourself before God, that you repent of your sin, and that you trust for salvation not in yourself but in Jesus Christ alone?
4) Do you acknowledge Jesus Christ as your sovereign Lord, and do you promise that, in reliance on the grace of God, you will serve him with all that is in you, forsake the world, resist the devil, put to death your sinful deeds and desires, and lead a godly life?
5) Do you promise to participate faithfully in this church’s worship and service, to submit in the Lord to its government, and to heed its discipline, even in case you should be found delinquent in doctrine or life?
 
Vows Church Members Make When a New Congregation is Organized

In reliance upon God for strength do you solemnly promise to walk together as a church of Jesus Christ according to the Word of God and the constitution of the Orthodox Presbyterian Church?
 
Notice that we are confessing important elements of our faith here, including the fact that we are sinners. We hate sin, and fight to live the life of faith and obedience according to our confession of hope in the Lord. Fellow members also vow to help us. The ministry of the church serves us by the appointed means of grace as we are being discipled and sanctified. We don’t sign a paper listing particular sins that we promise we will never commit. That’s pretty reductive. But, there is a mode of discipline set in place under the shepherding care of our elders for the aim of the glory of God and our restoration.
 
And that’s the thing about these signed school pledges: they validate condemnation of particular sins without providing a way of restoration. They don’t promote repentance. They leave a teenager in their shame because they are immediately cut off from their “Christian” community. And when we are talking about Maddi Runkles’ case, we are reversing over 2,000 years of Christian influence on the transformation of the moral sanctioning of sexual morality from the category of shame to sin. Runkles' growing teenage belly is a shame to the school and its “Christian” ethics. But the power of the cross tells us that Maddi isn’t permanently shamed. Christ has pursued her, and through her faith and repentance his blood covers her sin. She is restored. Both her body and her soul have dignity and honor. 
 
Yeah But...
 
Even if the institution says, “Yes, you are forgiven, but these are the consequences you signed onto,” this highlights my very issue with such a contractual pledge. By having students sign such a pledge, the sexual sin all of the sudden becomes an act that she is committing primarily against the school. Maddi Runkles, and this horrifies me, went before her student body tearfully confessing her sexual sin and asking for forgiveness. What is the school forgiving her for---committing the sexual sin or for breaking her pledge? Because her sin was first and foremost against the Lord, and she has assurance that he has forgiven her. It would be one thing if she was caught having sex, drinking, or using illegal drugs on school property. Public schools would also be handing out the consequences there. That would be a public, criminal act within the institution. But that wasn’t the case. And yet even Maddi's tearful confession and repentance was not good enough to restore her to her Christian school after committing a private sin.
 
So what is the effectiveness of the contractual pledge? It isn’t to restore the sinner. It is to warn others. It tells the parents, this is a “clean” Christian community and your children will not be contaminated by these three sins. Or will they? What does this pledge and the executing the breaking of it communicate to the students at Heritage Christian Academy? Maddi commented that she knew, even while she was coming forward and confessing her sin, that other students had broken their pledge and were still lying---even after being caught. Many of them knew. The message is that what’s most important is appearances and the reputation of the school. Some sinners against the pledge will be able to work the system. A growing belly will never make it. This perpetuates an environment of sneaking and lying. But Maddi Runkles revealed the fruit of her confession of faith by repenting and treasuring life, resisting the temptation to abort and pretend like she was someone else.
 
Promoting Purity
 
What message does a pledge like this and the consequences of breaking it really proclaim about purity? Instead of purity being rooted in Christ and the proper ordering of all of our desires in offering to God, it becomes something you lose and never regain. It’s a physical status, a commodity that can keep you in a school, an act of abstention that can later be exchanged for a “Christian” husband. But purity isn’t only about abstention. It is preeminently about our communion with God that overflows to our other relationships so that we love as he loves. We love as he loves us. 
 
God is the one who has made a pledge to us in Christ. So rather than a contractual pledge, I would love to see Christian institutions asking how they can better promote this truth and how our communion with the Triune God affects our other relationships. And when Christians fall, I would love to see the culture in Christian schools be one where they help them come forward in honesty and lift them back up again, rooted in their faith. 
Posted on Friday, May 05, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
How many friends would you say you have? I read an article by Bec Crew a while back ago that challenged whether our friendships were as reciprocal as we think they are. He highlights a From The Odyssey Onlinestudy revealing that the feeling is mutual with only about half of the people we think of as friends:
 
Led by researchers from MIT, the study analysed friendship ties in 84 subjects aged 23 to 38, who were taking part in a business management class.
 
The subjects were asked to rank how close they were with each person in the class on a scale of 0 to 5, where 0 means "I do not know this person," 3 means "Friend," and 5 means "One of my best friends."
 
The researchers found that while 94 percent of the subjects expected their feelings to be reciprocated, only 53 percent of them actually were. 
The study is of course limited because of its tiny sample size, but as Kate Murphy reports for The New York Times, the results are consistent with data from several other friendship studies from the past decade, comprising more than 92,000 subjects, that put reciprocity rates at 34 to 53 percent.
 
This perception gap when it comes to friendship hints at a number of pretty significant problems, from our inability to clearly define friendship and the impact this could have on our own self-image, to us having the wrong idea about the kind of people who could actually affect social change.
 
While one of the team, computational social science researcher Alex Pentland, suggests that this inability to read people is largely due to us desperately trying to maintain a favourable self image - "We like them, they must like us." - the concept of friendship is actually really difficult to define.
 
I would hope that the older people in the study faired better in the perception gap. My teenage daughters have been learning a lot about this very issue. After reading the article I asked myself who I thought my friends were, and began to write down some names. It was interesting to see how many married couples I wrote down together. I was trying to only write down names of people I thought would mutually write my name down on their list. I have to say that I quit because the act of writing my friends names on paper felt very cheapening to our relationship. But it became clear to me that the size of the list would change dramatically depending on the way I defined friendship. I wonder how the study above would have been affected if the categories were more clearly defined between 0 and 5.
 
For instance, I have a decent amount of people for whom I have affection for and enjoy their presence. But the amount would be reduced by other factors like, people I would share private concerns with, or people I would ask for an inconvenient favor from. Notice I said would there, and not could. That may say more about me than them, but still affects the amount.
 
The article went on to quote from some friendship professionals for a definition friendship, the problems with our perceptions of it in our culture, and an opinion of how many friends would be good to have:
 
"Treating friends like investments or commodities is anathema to the whole idea of friendship," Ronald Sharp, a professor of English at Vassar College, who teaches a course on the literature of friendship, told Murphy. "It’s not about what someone can do for you, it’s who and what the two of you become in each other’s presence."
 
"People are so eager to maximise efficiency of relationships that they have lost touch with what it is to be a friend," he says.
But hey, it’s not all bad news. If you cut your friends by half and end up with five true pals who really do love you back, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be, says renowned British anthropologist, Robin Dunbar.
 
According to a recent study led by Dunbar, while 150 is the maximum number of social relationships the average human can maintain with any degree of stability, we're only able to maintain a mere five close friendships at a time. 
 
"People may say they have more than five but you can be pretty sure they are not high-quality friendships," he told The Times.
 
I imagine friendship as a commodity has always been an issue, but it is so much more apparent with the advent of social media. One thing is for sure: high-quality friendships are a blessing. And they are something worth investing in. How would you define that? We learn a lot about friendship in Scripture. Here are just a few excerpts of the more imperative kind:
 
A man of too many friends comes to ruin,
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Prov. 18:24
 
Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.
Prov. 27:5-6
 
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  
For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. 
But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.
Eccl. 4:9-10
 
You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
James 4:4
 
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
 1 Cor. 15:33
 
I came across an enriching definition of friendship while reading this week from Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions, by Dan Brennan:
 
A friend is one whose presence is joy, ever-deepening relationship and love, ever available in direct address, in communion and presence. A friend is one who remains fundamentally a mystery, inexhaustible, never fully known, always surprising. Yet a friend is familiar, comforting at home. A friend is one who urges human freedom and autonomy in decision, yet one who is present in the community of interdependence. ---Anne E Carr
 
Christians are called to a friendship of the highest quality:
 
“This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.
John 15:12-15
 
So we have the greatest friendship one could imagine. And this makes a strong case for why our perception gap matters. What matters more, how many people we can call a friend, or how many people can call us one?
Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
The thing I really appreciate about Simonetta Carr is that she likes to hang out a little in the uncomfortable spots when writing about history. Her whole book on Renée of France is about a Reformation figure who was “difficult to categorize”:
 
For some, she was a devoted daughter of the Church of Rome, misled and deceived by John Calvin and other reformers. For others, a heroine of the Reformation, who kept her faith---with the exception of one painful lapse---in spite of fierce persecution. Some, emphasizing her complaints to Calvin in her last letters, have described her as a fierce ecumenical spirit. (14)
 
In answering this question of who Renée of France really was, Simonetta Carr gives a bite-sized biography, a “brief look at the life of a woman who made difficult choices and asked stimulating questions---someone like most of us, often baffled by uncertainties, resisting changes, stubborn, and frustrated” (16). It is a great little read which I recommend. But rather than give you a summary or review, as it’s a short book that I encourage you to read for yourself, I just wanted to reflect on something that stood out to me in Renée’s story. And that is my take-aways from the intimate correspondence between Renée and John Calvin.
 
One reason it stood out to me so much is because all of the sexual tension in the contemporary church. I’m constantly seeing articles about whether women and men should text one another or have a business lunch in public. Renée was in a difficult marriage, so that one could even say she was vulnerable. Duke Ercole II was not happy with his duchess. She was continually stirring up political controversy as the infamous “patroness of banned or endangered Protestants, who were often employed in her service in different capacities”(45). She wasn’t exactly what the church would uphold as a submissive wife.
 
There isn’t a lot of information of Calvin’s visit to Ferrara, Italy. There isn’t a precise date or duration of his stay or an account of his purposes for his first visit with Renée. He did use a different name, Charles d’Esperville. And he made quite an impact on Renée and her court. Carr points out just how much they had in common, separated by only a year in age and both struggling to live away from their homeland of France. This visit was the beginning of a fruitful friendship of correspondence for the rest of their lives. There’s no romantic scandal here. There is pastoral guidance. But even more than that, Calvin opens up about his personal life with Renée in ways that are uncharacteristic of him. They were friends.
 
Calvin knew Renée’s influence to advance the true gospel as a French princess and Italian duchess. But Renee stood out to Calvin, and he shares personal reasons for his correspondence:
 
I have observed in you such fear of God and faithful disposition to obey him, that even without considering the high rank he has given you among men, I have been able to appreciate the virtues he has conferred on you and would consider myself accursed if I did not take advantage of those opportunities to serve you. (35)
 
He took great care to present Renée with clear teaching on the essential doctrines, as she was up against false teachers in the Este court. As she was going through persecution brought on by her own husband, wavering in her faith, Calvin continues to strengthen and encourage her with gospel truth. He spoke graciously to her in her weakest moments. He was a constant source of counsel for her, in the influence she had and the choices she was making regarding her personal life. Renée didn’t always take Calvin’s advice. She pushed back quite a bit. But there was a mutual respect creating a friendship comfortable with open disagreement and growth. It wasn’t one-dimensional. Calvin also listened to Renée’s concerns and gained from her perspective.
 
This correspondence lasted all the way to Calvin’s death. Less than a month before he died, Calvin wrote Renée affirming his high admiration for her virtues, asking forgiveness for dictating the letter to his brother “because of my weakness and the pain caused by several illnesses: breathing impediments, [kidney] stones, gout, and an ulcer of the haemorrhoidal veins, preventing every movement with the potential to give some relief” (96). Carr pointed out how uncharacteristic it was for Calvin to talk about himself in such a detailed way. This ended 27 years of correspondence between the two, “the longest and most pastoral correspondence the Reformer ever kept with a noblewoman” (107). Carr points out how Calvin communicated to Renée as he would to a dear friend. 
 
This is because Renée was more than auxiliary support to men. Calvin didn’t reduce her to one role as the Duke’s wife. She was a sister in Christ with a soul and a mind of her own. She wasn’t even an easy friend, but one who asked hard questions, openly disagreed, and took risks. They were sharpening friends for one another, which produced fruit lasting longer than their lives on this earth. Carr’s book telling their story is one of those fruits.
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2017 by Aimee Byrd on Housewife Theologian
Derek Rishmawy wrote a thoughtful article about our online identity, something that has always been of interest to me. I began writing about the like culture in 2011, when I first started blogging an interacting on social media. I was one of those strange housewives who entered the Facebook world pretty late. I didn’t open up an account until I began blogging, and was even more timid about joining Twitter. Now, as a mom of teenagers, I’ve opened up Instagram and Snapchat accounts, not so much for my own interests, but to enter the world that they are living in.
 
The like button was such a mystery to me in the beginning, and I have to say that it is still something that makes me pause to ponder what it really means and why I would use it. At first, “liking” posts was very tacky to me. Could you imagine if we had a tool like this for actual conversation? Rather than commenting on the truth or value of what is said, just say like. It’s interesting how we use a positive word for an action that is so reductive. 
 
As we become more and more accustomed to the like culture, we begin to forget to ask important, discerning questions in our online interactions. The value is in the response, or so often in the popularity person who said it, while pause and reflection is like the tree that falls in the woods when no one is there. 
 
Likes have also become a way of dividing into online alliances. I see this with my teenagers, and I see it in the Christian bubble of social media. Instead of pursuing truth, we are often feeding into our sinful tendency to compare ourselves with others. We can easily begin to calculate the value of what we say by the number of likes we receive rather than the actual content of the post.
 
Additionally, the more we push that like button, the more we may feed our own illusion of power. “Aimee likes this, along with 13 other people.” Well, if Aimee likes it, it must be good. In endorsing someone else’s published material, we can create our own amateur social media status on what is cool to like. But the joke is on us. What’s really going on beneath all our playful, self-indulgent, liking banter ruse is the fact that it’s all a marketing ploy. Is it a coincidence that I liked a fitness website and now I get ads run on my page for losing weight and breast implants? I don’t know how this whole thing works with spiders and cookies and smart people who put tape over their cameras, but the market clearly gets the value of a like. Our likes are beautiful noise for companies to target us with customized ads.
 
The Cash Value of a Like:
 
My teenagers first made me hip to the fact that some people actually buy likes, or pay for apps that will accumulate more likes for them. My heart sunk to think of teenagers objectifying their selves in such a way. Something as trivial as a like or a retweet is turned into a commodity of status. Three years ago I wrote about how likes have become a teenager’s source of validation. Is it just teenagers? I’m afraid not.
 
I pointed out then that the debacle in which we have pastors using church money to hire a service to manipulate the system and guarantee their books will make the NY Times best seller’s list suggests we’ve reached a whole new sophisticated like. This is what I thought about as my daughters were sharing the reality of the superficial relationships they find themselves in. Where is the hope when we have to wonder about the character of the best-selling pastor?
 
What’s the integrity in a like? What’s the worth of a 14-year-old with 236 likes? What is the real value of a book on the best seller’s list? And the character of the pastor who wrote it? Or the people buying into the hype? Because there is a message being sold, but it isn’t the gospel.
 
I told my girls that their meaningfulness will not be measured in likes. As they were walking away, I reminded them, “Smiles are still free!” There’s a simple human gesture that communicates so much more.
 
And to those who think that deceiving the public by paying for likes is okay if it gets the gospel into more hands, I would like to remind you that the gospel is still free too. God doesn’t need our help to boost his status. Those of us who do write to encourage and instruct in the Christian faith should know that the value of our work won’t be measured in likes and retweets. Much of it will be offensive to the popular notions of spiritual health.
 
I’ve always believed smart people don’t have to tell others they’re smart, and beautiful people don’t need to advertise. They just are. Exploitation is ugly, and usually used by those lacking in the very thing they are trying to sell. Well-liked people don’t need to brag about how many friends they have, and besides, it’s not always a good thing to be well-liked. And followers are not the same a friends. So, like me or not, I’m going to say what I say. I might not attract the big guns, but I encourage the readers I do have to leave thoughtful comments, be more engaging, and even dislike in your feedback if you think I need some sharpening.  And if you really do like what I have to say, please use the share button, which I think is much more helpful.
 
I’m still going to like things. I try to equate them with a smile, something I am generous with. I’m still going to retweet. I just want to continue to think deeper about liking motives. Be that tree that falls in the woods when no one is there and take a moment for some reflective questions. It doesn’t matter if no one hears you do it. 
 
Can I be more engaging in this conversation?  Am I just being lazy in my relationships?  Is this statement true?  Is it propaganda? 
 
It’s not wrong for websites and bloggers to promote themselves. We need to if we want to bring people to our work. But I do think that sometimes we sacrifice our own classiness by feeding this whole celebrity-obsessed cultural hunger. There has to be some better ways.
 
 
*This article is an updated editing and combining of two articles I wrote in 2011 and 2014.